Walking it out…

For this first post of this year, I sure didn’t want to talk start off with a talking about my difficulties but it’s what I’m walking through right now. I have this whole novel of a post that I have written on and off for a couple of months but I feel it needs to be written in its whole entirety. In these last months it consisted in several minor and major surgeries. Even as I attempt to cut down words its hard. I think I will post each surgery individually because it was all different experiences. Something that I have to remember that were all physically & emotionally challenging. However there is victory that I have overcome with each challenge. Honestly, I have been very hard on myself lately and I thank God for writing because this has been the greatest therapy for me.

This is going to take a while to recuperate from because these were multiple surgeries back-to-back. Even though I have gone through a lot with my health challenges this would definitely top it off. It’s just not an easy journey. I had a few melt downs mostly recently. This could be from a variety of things including some trauma from the surgeries. I have been asked if I want antidepressants but I have taken them before and I didn’t like feeling nothing. I rather feel it all than not feel at all. So this is exactly what I’m walking through.

I have made strides in embracing this time. I was doing great with my devotion times in prayer, reading scripture & trying to get active. This week however has been a week I would love to do over. I was already on a great streak getting off some of my pain medications. All highly addictive & I don’t want my body relying on them. Physically is one thing but mentally is another. I already have so much aches & pains as it is. I can’t help to always have it in the back of my head; how I need to be stronger than continuous reliance on medications. At the same time manage pain because I learned how important it is to keep pain levels low. Medically there is more benefit to taking medication & being comfortable verses being an agonizing pain, that can overall prolong healing. It’s a catch 22, nothing that I’m not used to. I dealt with this type of balancing game for some time. It’s hard to solve a problem without creating another problem. So where does it end?

It is because of my faith, family, friends, church & the support from my involvement in Celebrate Recovery. I have managed to get through so many challenges especially regarding any addiction. I just can’t allow myself to ever go there but in the meantime as I am dealing with real physical pain; I just have to do what I got to do. Right now its hard to go anywhere for support, without fearing to catch some lingering viruses. I was so happy to go to church the other week for the first time after a long absence since the surgeries and recovery. It took a step of faith because on a medical stand point they don’t want me in places especially where too many people are gathered during the flu season. However I thirst to be in the atmosphere of worship. It definitely was a blessing & I love working against fears because I know fear isn’t from the Lord. He has given me a spirit of faith. I know when my faith is tested, my endurance can grow (James 1:3-4). A promise that has allowed me to walk through my trials instead of allowing it to paralyze me with fear. Thankfully at church I had a family that has gone through similar situations and prayed for a covering. Even with all the hugs I was protected.

I however am not the only person worrying. I also have my mom & sometimes my husband & kids depending where & what I want to do. Which is understandable because they want me to continue to get better.  This could be hard to deal with at the times & I constantly ask the Lord to help me to not be stubborn & understand the times he prompts me to be still even when it is hard not to be. This doesn’t always mean going out and doing things but also being still in my thoughts. I physically am not in shape to be out and about right now but mentally I yearn to be more active.

I have been so tired of being connected to a wound vac this is from my last surgery which I will write about. It is now almost over a month and it’s painful and I have to lug it everywhere I go. My days consist of going to the infusion center 3 times a week to receive the infusion medicine for this nasty infection. These days remind me of my dialysis days, I am connected 3-4 hours but this time to IV medication and it wears me down. This is monitored very closely because it is really strong meds for the body. The other 3 days of the week I get home health care which include painful dressing changes. I just have felt so tired not being able to do anything much more other than this. However, I have my family around me. They are my cheerleaders and they don’t doubt for a second that I can’t get through what I’m going through.

This week has been a mix of things. My primary doctor along with my home health care, recommended me to wean off of some of the pain meds as soon as I can; because my prescriptions are all long acting and stays in my system for a while. I had already weaned off of valium a few weeks ago. The other week I planned to wean off the morphine, which I mainly have taken on my dressing changes but since it is now becoming less painful it is a good time to taper off this medicine as well.

Unfortunately, as I approached the long weekend I messed up my neck at the infusion center. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. Different chair & Daniel told me I was sleeping with my head on my shoulders . I looked at my Monday through Friday pill-box and I see that I only have a few percocet left which I planned to still continue until my pain level is stable. So I couldn’t quite make that transition that I had planned. It was the MLK long weekend and this prescription had to be handwritten by the doc. I thought about going to the ER because I really wasn’t sure if this was a kink in my neck or the darn infection. My home health nurse reassured me it was definitely a muscle kink with her examination but told me if it continued to definitely go. As I ran out of percocet I took what I had; Tylenol 3 which is lower in strength. This would be the first time I felt the rawness in my wound in a long time. It is still very painful & my husband told me, “You have your meds for this reason.” So I took morphine & soon enough I was comfortable. However I slept through Sunday, where I was supposed to go to the infusion center early that morning because they were close that Monday for the MLK holiday.

This would be the first time I missed an infusion. I really couldn’t do much but just lay around and watch TV. I couldn’t read my normal devotions and my prayer time lead me to dozing off. It was terrible. Tuesday came & it be the first time stepping out of the house since Thursday. I literally was out of commission. I had a MRI and those scans are never easy to go through but I am ready to know where I am at with everything and know the drill. I thought they could do an MRI on all my surgery areas all at one time but came to realize it will take some time. I couldn’t imagine being in that MRI machine for more than the hour I already spent. If you haven’t had an MRI scan its hard to explain. You lay down in and the machine takes you into a confined space. They give you earplugs because the scan has loud laser beam knocking sounds. All I could do is pray and stay calm and get through it.

The next day I was able to make my regular scheduled infusion and it seems that there are now few more patients dealing with fungal infections. Now the infusion center treats all kind of IV phlebotomy issues. Seems that it is becoming more common now which all started very similar by breathing a fungal spore. It’s scary stuff and there stories are very similar to mine except I am the youngest and immunosuppressed. After I had doctor appts with all my specialist which my ID doctor made happen.  She was happy with the progress and told me the MRI scan was clear. This meant no new growth. I’m not out of the woods yet because I need more scans and really only time can tell. Both she and my nephrologist believe once I’m off the wound vac meaning my wound is healed they can start cutting down the treatments and start me back on my immunosuppression meds. Which I anticipate because I know my transplanted kidney will need it. So far its gone without the meds for over 2 months. That is a miracle on its own and its been functioning better than it has since I have had the transplant. I think this shows I don’t need a whole lot of immunosuppresion meds. I have a strong donated kidney and I thank God for protecting it through all of this.

My latest lab results which measures kidney function 1- being optimal function

By Friday I barely got out of bed. I didn’t realize how late I was when I got to the infusion center but they couldn’t take me. I couldn’t hold back the tears. Daniel looked at me and grabbed tissue paper. Sometimes there is just no words to say but he knows. I was so frustrated. I already missed Monday and here I go again. Since we were already were out in that area of Sacramento we decided to go to Trader Joe’s to go a little grocery shopping. It helped and I had a blessing that day. A women stopped to talk to me. She told me I have this spirit of calmness about me and she just wanted to talk to me. She shared she was 90 years old and she sure didn’t look like it and she was ready to show me her driver’s license. She told me that she didn’t age because she didn’t stress much in her life and she ate well. Even as a teacher for many years she knew how damaging stress can be. God totally used her that day to bless me. She didn’t even know me and my condition but she wanted to share her secret in living a long life. Something that honestly is hard for me to see. I can only take it day by day and pray that stay long enough to raise up my kids and fulfill all God wants me to in my life. It’s terrible but its a reality to life and knowing my health its something I don’t take lightly. Everyday is a gift and that’s probably why I can be hard on myself when I can’t do much.

This whole week was a lot of highs and lows but I believe I have hit my all time low. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I had enough. It’s a very selfish feeling that I could only pray through. This carried through the weekend. Daniel has been off because his nursing certification expired which was timely and I told him to take the kids out. I didn’t want them seeing me in my cloud of misery. I couldn’t stop crying on and off and just prayed for God to help me. I knew my body was going through a lot of changes which included side effects from weaning off meds. I knew that this could happen as it has happened before and all I can do is go through it, remembering my 12 principles from Celebrate Recovery. So my hubby took our boys to see the Monster truck jam and they enjoyed themselves. I resorted in watching TV or playing family feud on the phone. I have to find ways to get through and praying in my inner soul at the same time and trying to focus on all the positive. Like being alive! Even though I’ve gone through similar low points in life, the intensity of this feeling is nothing I could get used to. It’s a feeling of isolation and its lie from the enemy. I get so angry when he uses my weakness and circumstance but I know God always overcomes. So I do what I can. Sharing what I’m walking though is overcoming. God uses our testimonies to bring healing not only to myself but to others and this is my armor; to call it out as it is. To share my life freely as God gives it freely.

I told Daniel I wanted to go to the early service at church the next day before my make up transfusion. I know if I can’t bring that atmosphere of worship on my own; I need to go to it. Well the alarm didn’t wake us. Here I go again but now I’m vocal and I’m vocally sharing with my family that I’m tired and I can’t do it anymore. Now getting mad about not going to church is just plain not right. I know that but for some reason I can’t be rational. All I knew at point was I needed to stop talking, cool down and just take responsibility.

One thing I can never forget is that I don’t go through this alone. As a family we all go through it. All in our own way. I tell my story but they all walk through it with me every single day, especially my husband. He is the one holding everything together at home front and still being my main caretaker, driving me to all the Dr Appts, etc… It’s a terrible feeling and I can’t help but want better circumstances for my family. As I make my apologies, my youngest son reminded me that things are going to get better because they always do. It is very true! Life doesn’t come without obstacles and I know this is shaping all of our lives. I know one day I’ll look back at this situation and thank Him yet again. Because this does build perseverance. If I could give my kids anything in the world I want to give them the fruit of the spirit which produces: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galations 5:22-23). I know those are things that will never parish in their lives. So I need to hold these qualities and be that example in their lives. I know I’m going to  have these highs and lows in life. I am going to choose to fight through it and even though this is a long journey in this recovery and I will remain grateful for each day; the good, the bad and the ugly. I have my loved ones routing me on and I know God is going to use my mess for His messages! (Quote from a home health nurse)

Here are a few promises God has gives to me at this time:

Psalm 56:13: For you have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light.

Philippians 3:12-14: No, dear brothers and sisters I have not achieved it, but I focus on the one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the of the race and heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus is calling.

1 Peter 5: In His kindness God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on firm foundation.

Jeremiah  17:8: They will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat  comes; its leaves are always  green. It has no worries in a  year of drought and never  fails to bear fruit.

If you have more promises to share please share it in a comment. That would bless me!

First 2012 Family Pix

2011 in review

I definitely have much more to post to wrap up this year but this was pretty neat wrap up considering that I’m not really fully finished editing and what not… I look forward to 2012 but will have a few writings that I need to publicize that I started  haven’t finished.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 25 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Life in the slow lane

Recovery is still going and going.. Now going full force with tackling the valley fever. Unfortunately, it’s a waiting game; good days & bad days. Good days I get up and going, possibly go out, pain is bearable and I’m feeling good. Bad days I don’t know how to get up, pain feels intense and I feel like crap. I know this is just apart of healing but the days can feel so slow. I feel unproductive and know I’m going through the blues. I am familiar with this because it just comes with the territory of not feeling well. When physical changes are happening the emotions come along with it. I fight this by trying my best to keep positive but its hard, and this new thing I’m trying to embrace in this season of rest can seem so dim at times. I won’t allow it though. I got way too much to be fighting for. I know God is with me and even in times He feelss so far I know He’s there. Constantly reminding me that I am blessed, it could be much worse and I got to keep going.

I don’t believe life is meant to be easy; With all the modern conveniences I don’t feel it truly helps. People are meant to stay active, in relationship and striving for purpose. I think this is where I’m getting stuck. What has been my biggest challenge is especially in a season rest (or what feels like a drought). It’s been a couple of weeks that I gave up facebook. One of my biggest distractions. It’s hard because I like to stay in touch. I mainly did this because my boys pointed out how they can’t get my attention when I’m on my handy-dandy smart phone. Secondly, I’m trying hard to focus! However, I am still really bad on the phone, managing my finances on my handy app, counting calories, reading and texting. So I now flat on try to leave my phone on the charger and walk away.

As far as pain goes, the 2 main sites that was sutured is slowly healing. My neck often feels stiff. I believe my lymph node is swollen (webmd diagnosis). My arm is better but the incision is scary. I have to dress it again because of a recent water blister (There goes my lovely showers). My right leg is having issues. I am writing the docs and they are telling me to give myself some time to heal. In the meantime I don’t know what’s what. My family is scared for me to be out. Fear I tell you, has to rebuked in my household. It’s hard though when circumstance can test your faith. I know very well that fear is the opposite of faith. So this is where I’m asking God please intervene. He has done this before and I have all the faith He will come through for us all again.

So I am taking some little steps in faith. Doing what I can with PTA until they find a new treasurer. I’m glad these ladies are my friends because they have grace for what I cannot do. I finally attended one of Marquez’s baseball games. Daniel and I had official alone time even though it consisted of us driving around town. I took my first drive out-of-town to visit family. I have attended church 2 weeks in a row. Started up Celebrate Recovery and even made it to a Wednesday study. Oh can’t forget I finally started cooking again and driving. Just typing this all makes me see that there is some productivity. Even if it doesn’t feel like it or not what I’m used to. I need grace for myself that I am doing what I can. Nothing more and nothing less.

I must continue to embrace the hardship because I know God is continuing to build me up. I know God’s plans are not on hold but is in process. I have to see that this time I’m taking is valuable to what lies ahead…

First time to watch my boy pitch for fall ball season, First dinner cooked in months, thankfully hubby prepped everything and my boys new photos!

Green Chili Enchiladas crispy & cheesy~

My tortilla soup recipe

Marquez's 5th Grade

Marcelo's 8th Grade

I Touch Your Arm

Thy touch has still its ancient Power. Yes! when you are quiet before Me I lay my Hand upon each head, and Divine Spirit flows through that healing, powerful touch into your very beings. Wait in silence before Me to feel that. When you look to Me for guidance My Hand is laid upon your arm, a gentle Touch to point the way. When in mental, physical, or spiritual weakness you cry to Me for healing, My touch brings Strength and Healing, the renewal of your youth, the power to climb and strive. When you faint by the way, and stumbling footsteps show human strength is waning, My Touch of the Strong and Helping Hand supports you on your Way. Yes! My children, My touch has still its ancient Power, and that Power is promised to you. So go forward into the future bravely and unafraid.

~ God calling AJ Russel

This devotional book was something that I had started with last year’s occurrence of valley fever/Coccidioidomycosis, but put it down to read something else (ADD worship). Just the other day I picked this book up again and coincidentally where it was bookmarked showed the place where I left off last year. It was dated at the same time last year October. This is after coming out the hospital with bruised up arms along with follow-up lab appointments. My veins are all hardening up, overused and abused. This last hospitalization was scary but I was so glad I went to the mountain to the Girlfriend’s conference with our church because I was calm coming in to the ER with a spiking temp. Now as it continued to spike that was a different story. I almost reached a temp of 105 and couldn’t breath as the thump of a heartbeat drum pounded my head. I kept asking the doctors was I going to be okay. They assured me and Daniel of course, by my side as always was there to remind me that I’ve been here, gone through it and will get through it! It was frustrating because it was so difficult to get two IV’s on each arm and they put a port just for administering antibiotics.

Thankfully, I broke my temp that evening after an aggressive ER team got me back on track , 7 liters of saline water, meds and a foley(which I now know I needed). They admitted to the ICU for close observation. The next day everything was looking good. My temp, labs, blood pressure, oxygen soon enough I was discharged within 3 days. They were sure I would be there all week  our more (Totally God thing).

With everything I went through I just felt thankful. It has been a rough recovery especially in the first week, I would describe it as the 3 P’s (Pee, Poop & Pain). I know that’s nasty but I looked at it as I was being cleansed and delivered! I felt good inside, a peace that was beyond my understanding. As people asked how I was doing. I couldn’t help to say I’m doing much better. This is my better. My 2nd labs after the hospital was really good, better than it’s been. Now I know for sure I am being truly cleansed. The only thing I need to do on my part is rest and heal. God truly gave me this word that this is certainly the time. All that I want to do will be there. He has planted something that I believe I have tried to rush but feeling so content now that I am cautiously taking this time to fully immerse myself in a season of clarity and peace within.

I have realized I have been pretty hard on myself. I continue to think this is all self-inflicted but it’s not entirely. Just the other evening as I was having my bedtime conversation with my youngest, I wanted him to know that I’m going to do the best I can to get healthy to be a better mom. He told me mom you are already a good mom. Your always there for everything. So it made me remember that I have to take inventory of all the good and keep that at the forefront. I know I will never be perfect or ever “arrive” in my Christian walk (quote from fellow sister) but I am thankful to get closer.

Just the other day I did finally break emotionally. Strength is mysterious mix that needs a break down. I got called by my Nephrologist go to get a magnesium infusion. The thought of another needle and missed pokes brought anxiety. Sure enough by the time I got there prompt on a medical bed, with several failed attempts the flood of tears came. They even called the best nurse with a great record and even she was shocked she missed. I couldn’t stop both my specialist came into the room. As they looked at other veins they asked if they should leave but it was my only distraction. My hubby yet again reminded me that I have to remember that I used to get poked my huge tooth picks twice three times each week. I love that he can pull out what we walked through. He has been by my side through it all. I came back to this little black book called, God Calling and referenced this very devotion. It was a word for me and one to comfort me through this time of recovery.

Today I went to labs, I got my favorite tech that has followed me. I didn’t mention that even she last week couldn’t believe the condition of my veins. She had to pull many blood pumping tricks up her sleeve to get to stick. Today as I walked to her station she seen already a different demeanor in my face and complemented how much better I looked. That is the God me always doing His thing so faithfully.

This week I can’t wait to be back at church. I know I’m more than ready and will start up CR step study. I had such love and care from my sisters/girlfriends that just looked out for me while I was at mountain. They all prayed for me to be there because last year this infection prevented me to be there. I was stable and ready to go! I felt so great there the peace, nature and His presence through out. The messages that were given was definitely something I had to walk out and am continuing to walk out. I probably will have to write a whole separate blog to share what these incredible women of faith poured out into me and to all the ladies of Mars Hills Community Church during that weekend. I’m very thankful and content that I was able to be there. Today I feel secure in my battles and thankful for the past battles to remind me that I am victorious!

Thank you to all the women at Mars Hill Family, Love you all!

Mars Hill Girlfriend’s Conference 2011

The New 32

I can’t believe I’m 32 years old & just feeling this new season coming where I will start sharing much bolder & sharing the goodness of all the Lord has done. I have a confession that I need to make about what I been fighting all along. I just finally figured it out but better late than never and it starts here.

I had a lot of time to think about life and all the things I’ve gone through. The continuous healing God has provided but I’m so ready to just be finally stable for a while. I have been pretty quiet about my full story & God has clearly told me to stop hiding this because of the encouragement it will provide. It also explains my passion to serve in youth ministry. It is now that time to free myself completely and the truth is I didn’t know how simple it was to truly forgive. I had some serious revelation that I had to come to terms with. I thought it was enough to show it in action but there is something internal that is more expressive when it comes to matters of the heart.

Moving here to Sacramento was definitely God’s plan because we got focused. The thing is I needed to truly make the amends with my mom which I thought I did many times. I have shared how this move was a totally a God thing & being with my mom again. It wasnt enough to just do bible studies & go to church. However there were many complexities to my hurt from my mom that I didn’t realize but only time could reveal.

Thought to introduce a preview of my past...

There was still lots of anger that I realized that was very apparent in the way of handling some matters in our household. It reminds me how I became rebellious as a youth. I did what I wanted to do for a very long time. Partying and my drug use. Thank God at the age 15 my addition to crank ended.  There was a choice of drug I sure couldn’t quit & that was my love for Maryjane. This led on for a long time into adult hood. Thank God completely healed me when I went through with my dialysis days and started Celebrate Recovery.

Though I quit completely and life continued, having babies, getting married, going to college etc. and I went through the first steps of Celebrate Recovery I started to heal internally! I was so on fire for the Lord my worship was day & night. I thought I was free but I still did carry a deep hurt that came out in actions. Sharing a home is never easy and communication at times were very difficult. I lacked focus and would be so frustrated at times that I just couldn’t do it all. I had this continous  pattern to fulfill a need. Which reminded me so much of my youth days.

Which was so big for my testimony. I was too scared what people would think of me. Mainly because I partly was responsible for my health now. How I still carried reckless behaviors that probably followed me from my youth days. Being with my mom was a constant reminder of that rebellion. Subconsciously I acted in the form of codependency and going and going.

Well it’s just time to start getting straight up honest about myself because I’m tired. I still obviously had hurt from my mom because I never overcame the affection I needed from her. Even through I went through the steps I really didn’t know how to truly love someone with affection. Here I am volunteering & serving in recovery & didn’t really want to work on this issue.

See the thing is the big part of my testimony is that God saved me from a wretched life of addiction after addiction without coming fully open. I was an out of control child than teen. Though I stopped heavy drug use long time ago. I’ve totally been neglecting myself & family’s needs over busyness & never really took the time to nuture them all emotionally. It feels shameful but it is a pattern I know I must come to terms with. It’s a way I learned to function. With this past sickness I knew there were more major changes God wanted to reveal.

I never really knew exactly the day I was saved but know I did recite the saviors prayer many times at church. This has been my saving grace for as long as I could remember. I have made many compromises but finally in a place that it just ain’t happening! In my adult years I know the struggles continued as health deteriated. Partial party reasons (it was just my nature) the other would to cover a void. I never knew what that void was but obviously God. I had my way of handling things but realized I still needed so much growth.

Just in this week I finally felt me & my mom had this heart to heart & it probably was one of the biggest hurdle I had to conquer. I realized my heart was still callus over the many years of anger and resentment but I had my part that I needed to come to terms with. For the first time I heard my mom out and she heard me out and we embraced and I know we can finally just put it all past us. I never let go of the how frustrated I would feel about the lack of discipline and the expectation without anyone taking time to teach us simple good habits. I had such bad habits that followed me and honestly been so comfortable with it. It’s just time to change & be comfortable with a new way. This forgiveness pushes me even more. I love my mom and in the past 3 years that we lived together our relationship only strengthened. So if you think that a relationship is not repairable. Trust me keep acting in faith because God will work on the heart issue if you are ready for him to. Can take some time but if you keep at it breakthrough will come!

I had my uncle bring a big reminder of my rebellious days. Albums I didn’t see in a long time. It made me really see how far I have came. How there was some guilt on my part of the reckless life I lived. I think even as I received my gift of life there still was a part of me deep down that felt so unworthy to receive it. However, God is really working on me because he has provided this miracle with my obedience. I literally received my gift of life after full fulling my steps & doing a church wide fast.

So there was apart of me that felt that part of my past didn’t fit my kidney story but it totally does. It is apart of me, who I am and my testimony. God will use it!

My 32nd birthday was quite rough. My mom did prepare a nice dinner & we all are as a family, we sang happy birthday, but right after we were off to the hospital. I started to wean myself off of my 2 month continuous percocet regimen. I knew how highly addictive this drug is but with pain I was dealing with I really didnt have a choice. I started to have reverse effects where I couldn’t sleep. So my on my birthday was the 3rd day of lack of sleep and I seen my surgery sites starting to leak so had to go to the ER. I can’t describe the mindset I was in. I will tell you it reminded me of something I would’ve gone through in my youth days coming down on drugs. I was not in the right mind. It totally reminded me how happy I am to be clean and sober. I never knew what type of withdrawals I would have but since the surgery they removed most of the infection and the pain isn’t as intense so this was the time to do it.

Anyhow, thank God I got through it. I had one on one nurse because of my erratic behavior. What a way to spend a birthday! I never have gotten this way for the longest time. It really reminded me of a very dark time in my life. Something so grateful God saved me from. Anyhow, as I walk into this new year I am ready to share fully the testimony of what God has done in my life. How this is still a learning journey.

It’s amazing how the past could be intertwined in the present and just being able continually grow. So the “new 32″ year will be interesting but a beginning of some new projects and mostly I’ll be doing in the comfort of my home because I’m serious about this recovery. I’m ready for my body to fully just take that time to heal, be replenished and my kidney health can flourish! Most importantly, I’m ready to love, love, love like there’s no tomorrow! So ready to step up the care for my family. They are my heart & what keeps me going so this the reason I want to continue to better myself as a wife & mom. The most important roles God blessed me with!

Celebrating Recovery

It’s now been a week that I’ve been recovering from surgery. This came out of no where but I did start posting on my facebook of the pain that I’ve experienced over the summer. My overall gut feeling that it could be the nasty valley fever reoccurring happened to be true. But I had totally different symptoms and between all the emails to the doctors to figure out another “unknown mystery”. It seemed pretty obvious it was a pulled muscle or tendonitis. I had no fevers, I was working again and going about as fast as I could to keep up with everything, slowly but surely that downward trend started to happen that I’m way too familiar with. What trauma can do to ones psyche because there is a certain pattern that I’m picking up with each time my body gives up and becomes vulnerable. I am now finally coming to terms with this reality. I’m doing everything I can to act in faith but missing the God’s directive which is my lifeline.

I really had to sit back and let God show me yet again how I just need to allow the healing process take its course. Here I was just a year a half post transplant. To sum it up: I went back to complete a semester of school, just a 4 weeks after transplant (literally with a catheter & than peeing every half hour). It was only once a week, I reasoned… Than family loss after loss (grieving & it brought some comfort for family to see me because here I am with the 2nd chance)… Than I caught Valley Fever & from Aug-Dec I was down, than slowly getting back into things.. New year came and here I went again back to my PTA work, to complete my Presidents term and wanted to do the best I could with that. Than part-time temping for Donate Life. Can’t forget #1 priority my family, baseball, projects, homework, etc.. and being there for Godkids & nephews, sleepovers…especially can’t forget my true passion of serving my church in Celebrate Recovery & Tribes Youth Group. Plus I had a little time to squeeze in Donate Life Advocate work getting together with friends, gatherings and occasional “alone time, ig. hair appts..”. Than another summer temp job but this was the first full-time job. I thought since summer was here and finances were tough it was a great opportunity! With all this a healing body to care for, labs, appts, meds etc… This is my reality check! It is total madness!

Here I am now unable to do anything yet again, rp I just need to be aware of this crazy pattern and just prioritize because I love to do it all. When energy comes I start going and I see myself slowly getting back as I gain more strength. So my mom reminded me about writing again and have been focused on my blog which is helping me for this recovery, directing my attention from achyness and itchyness from the sutras & tape. Anyhow, It is a vicious cycle that stops here! Still living like there is no tomorrow and there is time for all that just not all at the same time.

Regardless, of all it took to finally know what was going on with my arm it is now being addressed. It was very frustrating because it got pretty bad, that it started to effect everything again. Dealing with this type of pain has been something new for me. The scary thing is that I have a high tolerance to pain and it took a while for me to learn how to manage chronic pain because of stubbornness, I didn’t want to rely on pain meds but for this I had no choice. I just continued to work until the last week of work, my body just shut down. It was frustrating because I knew deep down something wasn’t right & with time it continued to progress to the point I knew something was seriously wrong. Than my warrior mode came on and I made sure they checked me, after x-rays, whole body scan, MRI & hospitalization. Everything started to happen and a finally they seen it was a fungal infection very likely the same Valley Fever (Cocci). It just sat dormant and since my body became weak and still healing from the first infection it redeveloped in the muscle/bone tissue, in the shoulder area, and beneath my collar-bone. In the last weeks it started to become inflamed.

The surgery went as planned. They removed as much of the infected tissues which the docs described to look like cottage cheese (yuk) but they said my bones look good so there may not be an infection there. They inserted a calcium deposit with the antifungal meds to penetrate the infected areas. They also did a biopsy on my clavicle bone on my back and took bone marrow from my hip, for further testing to make sure it didn’t spread anywhere else. My specialist had said this type of infection in the muscle tissues is normally localized and doesn’t tend to spread but please keep in prayer all the testing to be negative & clear. It would mean something I don’t even want to think would be a possibility at this point.

I am so very grateful for how much prayers and support I had coming into the surgery. Just during this whole time. I love my family, church family and friends for just covering me. I felt peaceful coming in and I had our Chaplin (P.Neva) by my side through the whole pre opt which was long & crazy but her presence truly helped us because I kind of was a forgotten patient that day. I wanted to send the boys to school but Marcelo made it really clear to me, how as a family we stay by each others side. Which is so true, my sister flew down to be there along with my mom and before I went in we all held hands and Marcelo lead the prayer. I’m so proud of my boy! God is really going to use him in a mighty way, use them both because they have incredible giftings. They all waited the whole 7 or so hours as I went into surgery.

Now recovery has been slow, challenging, painful to sum it up but it’s getting better. I commend my husband for just doing what he does. I can’t move my right arm much so I can’t do my hair, or shower until sutras are all removed, drive, cook, really not much… Between him, my father in law, mom and boys, they all have been caretakers since I went down. Marcelo has taken Marquez on his bike to school and rode across town to his school, getting him up and going and Marquez is doing his part too. I could appreciate these hard times because of this. It humbles us in away that no ordinary circumstance could.

As scripture says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.~2Corinthians 12:9-10

Please continue to keep me and my family in prayers. We have lots of big decisions ahead of us. Still waiting patiently for results. Changes that has to be made to simplify our lives so the focus can be on caring for one another. We are all just ready to get into the swing of things but I made important promises to my family that I will be really slowing down and breaking the cycle of madness. Here I’m sharing openly to world that I clearly can see what needs to happen for us to enter the new season God has in store for us. Thank you again for your prayers!

Thought to share my new war scars. I’m becoming Frankenstein!

Taken at first dressing change

Photo Sesh by Sweet Photo Boutique

Haven’t had the chance to post our very first photo session (outside of the studio). This is my first post transplant family photo which was in the midst of pain. All I know is once we set rescheduled the appointment because the original date, Marquez got bit by a dog. I was still working, dealing with pain and had no time to think about what we were going to wear but so glad we pushed on. It was fun to get dolled up. My friend Danelle hooked up my hair. I did run and still look for some last-minute outfits for the boys. Daniel got off of work, got his hair done and rushed over and put all the outfits together as I started makeup with April.

The photos captures 11 years of marriage, Marcelo officially a teenager-13 and Marquez officially double digits-10 all in a creative way, which is very much us! Choosing Old town Sac was important because this is the place God has planted us to be. As a family we’ve gone through a lot but we really have been able to focus on our lives together, being well and finally being planted!

Thank you Jailyn for working with my family, our schedules and coming up here to capture this day. It was nice to reconnect as adults. There will always be a special bond because are lives always intertwined and we always shared that spiritual connection since we were babes.

Also had the pleasure to be apart of the great partnership “Sweet Fancy Faces” Amber & April!

Click to view more photos

Photos by http://sweetphotoboutique.blogspot.com/

Photos by Sweet Photo Boutique
Hair Accessories by Fancy Hair Candy @ http://skylaraleksandr.blogspot.com
Make Up Artist by Making Faces @ http://www.facebook.com/#!/makingfacesbyapril

I finally started again

It’s unbelievable once I’m committed to doing something how dedicated I am to it. I’ve litterally been messing with my computer since 2pm with of course a few check ins with the kids, eat.. but I even stayed in my pajamas!

Anyhow I just had enough with the yahoo small business hosting service which recently charged me again so I need to make the transition from just getting domain. Hosting services just not needed! Blog sites are not meant to be linked with their hosting. I was never able to upgrade wordpress and when I tried to do it manually the site went blank.

Thank God I was able to go into the hosting (ftp mumbo jumbo) panel & took what was there. It basically was not formatted & had messed up characters for each punctuation marks.

That is probably why I lagged. I tried to get tech support & but they kept pointing me to each other so I made the decision to pull up whatever I got & go for it. So I finally started what I dreaded to do for so long, paid for it too. But I can’t do that anymore. Not everything is on this site yet, but a lot was done. So soon I’ll move my domain here & get back to writing!

I still faithfully write what’s going on through facebook but here I don’t have a 420 word count limitation because I just want to write freely! I am really happy where I am right now in life. Things have been nice and stable so that’s all I could ever ask for!

God is faithful!

So you will see me some new & old as I continue to move everything over!

2010 FB Postings

Since I didn’t get to blog much on my website but sure did go on Facebook a whole lot, thought to wrap up some of 2010′s FB postings. It was a quite a year!

Marcelo’s 13th Birthday

A little clip of our traditional dinner at home. Fun and memorable times. Can’t believe I have a teenager now!